yesterday i was out shopping with norman wisdom, checking out some bed linnen. i love norman, he’s an on-screen legend, but when shopping you don’t want some crazy fool beside you tripping himself up and knocking things over.

most times i drug him to keep him calm, you should see the disappointment on the public’s face when they see him sleeping his way through john lewis, but it makes my day a hella better.

so it was then that i noticed that norman had a monkey on his back. you’d think you’d notice something like that, i’d known wisdom for many years, he even let me fumble his wife once, we are that close. but i never did notice the yawning ginger marmoset clinging on to his shoulder.

i asked him how long he had it and where he had got it from, but he was off his tits and only managed to slur “diiikenssss annn joooonessss”.

i then looked around me at my fellow shoppers and noticed that nearly all of them had a monkey on their back, and i suddenly felt like i was missing something. so now the search begins to find a monkey for my back, here are my monkey specs:

-must be ginger (to match my mane, i don’t know what wisdom was thinking not matching top and tails).

-must be small enough not to be a strain to carry around.

-must have a comedy monkey laugh which i can trigger by pulling it’s tail.

-must be big enough to be able to handle itself, i don’t want to have to be worrying about it when we get into rucks.

-can be gay, as long as it doesn’t try anything with me.

-must have at least 4 hats and keep alternating between them

-matching canes and capes to go with the hats would be a bonus

-less than £50

-foreign

-happy chappy

-can fix a 1975 ford anglia
i don’t think that’s too much to ask for, i’ve seen people demanding crazy things from their monkeys. for example one girl expected her monkey to clean her tutti-fruiti, that’s just not on.

Current Mood: tension
Current Music: johnny dab