last night i was out at the beanpole bar and grill having coke and lambrettas with tony and jonathan hart. they are a lovely couple, they met when tony did the backdrops on “hart to hart” and have been together since despite stefanie powers. they best part of their relationship is that they have the same surname so they don’t need to get married so they can give a big finger to tony blairs!

we were enjoying our conversation about cravats so much that i didn’t notice that barry norman had entered the place and was scanning the room frantically. jonathan spotted him and pointed him out to me and then i knew i was in trouble. he’d obviously found out that i had been nobbing his daughter for the last three months and was on the warpath.

before i could put on my george peppard endorsed ray-bans and make a quick exit he had approached behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“you got some ‘splaining to do monkie!”

he said in an awful rosie perez inspired voice. little did he know i had an ace up my sleeve.

“miracle grow.”

i replied and now his clutch on me loosened and i turned to see his face turn white. he said “okay you win this time monkey man.” and turned and walked out the place at a stomp. you see, i had been round at his one day giving his lovely daughter the hairy turnip and notice a large amount of plant food in the window of his garden shed. after i had finished her off and sent her to sleep, i wandered out to the shed.

it was locked with a combination lock which i cracked first time by putting in the date which barry had met his hero quentin tarantino for the first time. them both being lanky, barry thought he could follow in quentins footsteps. he had made a short movie about waste recycling rival critics reviews, but it had not received any critical attention but his own.

as i entered the shed there seemed to be even more plant food than i had expected, the place was filled with plastic bags. i opened one up and discovered the horror that would come to protect me.

instead of finding the labeled product each bag contained dozens of magazines. at first i thought fair enough, we all need a place to hide our dirty shuffle books but on closer inspection i noticed the content of the mags was out of the ordinary.

so here are a selection of the less offensive magazine titles i found:

PIGEONS ON DOGS BACKS
PIGS WNAKING DOGS
DOGS WNAKING PIDGEONS
BEVERLY CALLARD WNAKING
LARKS IN HEDGES
LARKS IN HEDGES WNAKING OFF PIGS
GOATS IN COATS
MALLARDS ON THE RAG
VOLES UP HOLES
TORTOISE JAMBOREE
TOMMY BOYDS ANIMAL TAKEDOWN
PIGS IN MAN SHOES
MAN SHOES IN PIGS
SHAVEN RAVEN
JUST 3 DAYS (young nat fetish)
PUSHED OVER GIRAFFES

i could go on but i would be banned and sued.
so my advice to anyone in a relationship with an angry critics daughter is: LOOK IN TEH SHED!