LJ KNOWS BEATBOX TOO!!

ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
ching Chin, chin, China, china, chine, chino, Ch’in, chain, Chung, hing, Chan, Chen, aching, shin, Chang, chink, chins, cuing, thing, Chane, Shina, shine, shiny, Chin’s
bom bomb, boom, BM, BO, Bo, om, bum, Boy, boa, boo, bow, boy, Bob, Com, Dom, Qom, ROM, Rom, Tom, bob, bod, bog, bop, bot, com, mom, pom, tom, Bo’s
bir bier, bur, Bi, bi, Bird, Birk, Biro, bird, bit, BR, Br, Ir, BIA, Bar, Ber, bar, bio, Bib, Bic, Bil, bib, bid, big, bin, bis, biz, brr, Dir, Mir, Sir, air, cir, fir, sir, Bi’s, bi’s
rak rack, raj, rake, Ark, ark, rank, Ra, AK, Rik, rag, Rae, Ray, rah, raw, ray, RAF, RAM, Rab, Rad, Raf, Ram, Zak, oak, rad, ram, ran, rap, rat, yak, Ra’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s
tak tack, take, teak, talk, tank, task, yak, TA, Ta, ta, AK, tag, Tao, tar, tau, tax, Tab, Tad, Tam, Tan, Zak, oak, tab, tad, tam, tan, tap, tat, Ta’s

megablast from the past…

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and underneath my magnum P.I annuals i found a real gem and i just thought i’d share it for all you SEGA fans. Here’s the backstory; i used to work as a freelance musician back in the early nineties and did a lot of work for SEGA (most of their classics actually originated from my bontempi 1000, but that’s another story, suffice to say the little blue thing would sound very different if it wasn’t for me.)

SEGA were torn between releasing ‘Streets of Rage’ on the MegaDrive (‘genesis’ to the fatties.) or the Mega-CD (‘Sega CD’ to the fatties.) attachment. The asked me to come up with some lyrics in case they went with the latter option and could have full CD quality music tracks. In the end they went for the first option, despite my outrage (it’s well known CD games are 142% better than cartilage ones), so the CD tracks were binned.

The game was actually later released on Mega-CD and you can access my tracks by pressing A,B,A,X,X,Y,C,A,B,C,D,START,MODE,A,A,A,A,A,A,B,B,B,,B,B,B,V,Z,X,B,O,O,B,I,E,S,A,B,C at the end of the game when you complete it on hard mode without getting hit.

The lyric section here came in an extended version of the opening tune which i originally collaborated with enya on, but she stank of fags so i fired her ass.

So here are the lyrics, enjoy:

there’s gonna be a fight, tonight, oh yeah.
‘cos something happened, i don’t know, but it was bad.
i think axel’s sister was kidnapped, or something, i can’t remember.
but it’s not important, ‘cos the fighting and the music are the main bit, oh yes.

these guys and a gal, are gonna take on the impossible, that’s right.
with the help of the police, but only once, per level.
i think they’re lazy, or something or it’s eswat, low on batteries.
but just listen to that music, it’s like the prodigy or shamen.. “move any mountain!”.

and characters will change, at the drop of a hat,
who will be picked? the white or the black?
or will you go for the girl, and pause it.. on her nickerflash!
CUM IN YOUR PANTS!

on these streets of rage, there’s a litter problem.
so pick up the trash; the cans and the chiknen.
and we’ll make this land, a thug free land,
no more hookers and fruity weirdos! oh no!

on these streets of rage, there’s no room to be gay,
unless you’re good looking, and pure, or a token black man.
and don’t even bother applying if you can’t take out 100 people
with only three moves! oh yeah!

charlie says! move any mountain!
e’s a geezer! everybody in the place!
twisted firestarter! got any rizlas!
move any mountain! one love!

bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
bop-per-ching-bom-bir-rak-ta-tak-te-tak-ta-ta-ta
(fade out)

shes a lovely girl, but her feet smell of muck

last night i had dinner with lenny henry and lenny bennet, we were having a riotous time reminiscing over the good old days when you could get on television even if you weren’t funny. thankfully it seems like those days are returning so i won’t have to feed the scroungers for much longer.

halfway through our desert of angel delight and m&m’s the doorbell went, i say doorbell, it was actually lenny’s comedy ring tone. how we laughed. after i had punched lenny my actual doorbell rang. i should have known the first wasn’t my doorbell as mine plays the theme to 15-to-1 and crosswits alternately.

as i went to the door i could see who it was immediately as i have a frosted effect glass window on it. the glass disfigured the individual but i knew who it was, it was pam dauber, from TV’s mork and mindy.

she had just moved into the street but a couple of days ago and i had invited her, and her husband Dr Fox, over any time they were not busy.

she had come alone and i can’t say i was disappointed as i had spotted dr fox scowling at children in the street the day before telling them to ‘skidaddle’ and get their ‘dirty foreskins’ off his driveway. short man syndrome if ever i saw it.

i ushered her in and much to my surprise she squatted in my hall to remove her shoes. apparently, when filming her TV series, robin williams insisted that no shoes were worn on set, because he had once been spooked by a ghost wearing nike airs.

it was fine by me, i secretly looked forward to catching a glance of her unfettered feet so did not think to stop her.

as soon as she had removed one of her ballamory branded clogs the funk was out the bag and the mood in the house changed. i introduced her to the lennys out of politeness and they unwillingly shook her hand. but i could see both of them thinking of excuses to leave, the smell was unbearable, like a coiffured paul ross.

in the end we got rid of her by lezzing up with each other, and throwing peanuts at her. but the funk had stuck so the lennys left leaving me in the thick of it. i set fire to the place the next day and moved to carnaby street where she couldn’t find me.

there’s a lesson for all of you there.

“i like the cut of your jib”

nobody ever says that these days, not to me anyway. the world is a poorer world for it.

other lines i miss:

“hey there sweetcakes” (sweetcakes=breats.)

“you are my man of industry” (basically means you sex up good.)

“hey there babycakes” (babycakes=breats.)

“in a while crocodile” (means “i will be hard soon”)

“that’s youth” (“the stupid little fucks”)

“that’s a lovely little penis” (what my grandad says to me.)

the bestest of all the animals

poodles are grate. they are truly the first of the non-animal animals. they could never survive in the wild, they’d be all “i’m not walking in that muck” or “where’s my taxi” and shit.

if they had to go back to the wild they’d probably set up their own kingdom and order about all the other dogs while sitting on a bush knawed into a thrown. thed be all “make me a sandwich” and “lick my bumbum”.

that said, i wouldn’t complain if they were wiped of the face of the planet. they don’t really serve a purpose. they ain’t no st. bernard.

the harbour brings more than genital diseases

The post Christmas period is always a strange one. everybody back at work but nobody actually doing anything apart from complaining how cold it is and how bad their holiday was.

i entered the office seven minutes late as always, its always better to be late than early, that’s what the ambulance driver told me. time to re access the scene, what was over familiar two weeks ago is, for a few minutes at least, reminiscent but unnerving.

i check out all the grown hair and new clothes, and the girl who i keep telling myself i quite fancy, but really only when she’s not around and i’ve forgotten how dull as me she is. i make my way to my desk, smiling at everybody i pass, like being there is the best thing evar.

i look over my desk at all the old pens and notes that will never be used and my heart sinks, as i remember what i do and where i do it.

then in comes fat dennis, and every thing’s okay!

he waddles up to my desk as usual but this time with an even heftier waddle due to mince pies and a tight new shirt with slimming vertical stripes that make him look like a mountain map. he chuckles in a way only he can, like it’s the first time he’s seen my funny face, and we swap pleasantries in order to set up an in joke.

except the jokes don’t fly, it takes time to get back into the banter, and it’s too soon. i feel sorry for him as he tries too hard and the panic in his eyes sets in. then he breaks down. it turns out that just before christmas day he found out his wife has been having an affair, but this is not news to me.

i’ve been taking care of his business for three months now, i just hope he doesn’t know it’s me. judging by his confidence in me, it doesn’t seem so. i put on my sympathy face and let him unload, i’ll get him some biscuits in a minute, that will help.

Yours

Juliet Mills & Ken Boon

Goodbyes to 2005! you were shit!

Well it’s finally over, the latest of the shit years is coming to a close as we welcome next piece of crap into our lives.

Things i’ll miss from 2005:

-space hoppers
-only fools and horses
-jimmy carr
-jimmy carson
-alan carr
-‘2005’ looks kind of cool, like ‘2001’ did, but 2001 was shit because everything was still being made in the colour silver.

Things i won’t miss:

-beetlejuice
-strawberry shortcake
-andy peters (is a cunt)
-people shouting ‘WASSUP’
-the intarweb
-barry bethal, okay mate we get the point, you don’t wobble anymore, now get back to your tinning job.

Things that will be grate about 2006:

-stephen hawking jumping over the great wall of china
-nintendo space machine
-tony hawks the comedian jumping over the great wall of china
-nintendo pocket watch famicom edition
-ricky gervais jumping over the great wall of china

Things that will be shit about 2006:

-the demolition of the great wall of china
-quincy
-all versions of windows, they’ll find the other 1% of unused cpu time and use it!
-all versions of lunix, they’ll be un-user friendly and not live up to their potential
-all apple products and software, they are white! and shit!
-evil ken-evil not jumping over the great wall of china
-pocky market crash
-all sony products, if there’s any karma in the world they will go bankrupt.

Finally i’d like to thank all my friends that i don’t have. thanks for not being there. thanks for not helping me in my year of need. thanks for borrowing my lawnmower and fucking my wife on it. thanks for selling me pirate dvd’s which are supposed to feature tom hanks but actually feature tom arnold. that reminds me, thanks to all the fat crazy bitches of the world for not fucking me like you’re supposed to. thanks to branston for your pickles. thanks to all the gay. thanks to mumma, why did you leave me on the bench and let the hospital name me. thanks to jimmy saville. thanks to ‘british telecom’, ‘teh bbC’ and ‘the post office’ for giving me something to complain about. thanks to nathan barley, totally jackson. thanks to lucas, you shit. thanks to jools holland for his lack of depth. thanks to my penis for staying clean and keeping it’s shine.

BUT MOST OF ALL THANKS TO YOU FOR PLAYING!

see you in the space year 2006!

famous_grouse
Current Mood: is bad for the music
Current Music: is good for the mood