last night i was out at the beanpole bar and grill having coke and lambrettas with tony and jonathan hart. they are a lovely couple, they met when tony did the backdrops on “hart to hart” and have been together since despite stefanie powers. they best part of their relationship is that they have the same surname so they don’t need to get married so they can give a big finger to tony blairs!

we were enjoying our conversation about cravats so much that i didn’t notice that barry norman had entered the place and was scanning the room frantically. jonathan spotted him and pointed him out to me and then i knew i was in trouble. he’d obviously found out that i had been nobbing his daughter for the last three months and was on the warpath.

before i could put on my george peppard endorsed ray-bans and make a quick exit he had approached behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“you got some ‘splaining to do monkie!”

he said in an awful rosie perez inspired voice. little did he know i had an ace up my sleeve.

“miracle grow.”

i replied and now his clutch on me loosened and i turned to see his face turn white. he said “okay you win this time monkey man.” and turned and walked out the place at a stomp. you see, i had been round at his one day giving his lovely daughter the hairy turnip and notice a large amount of plant food in the window of his garden shed. after i had finished her off and sent her to sleep, i wandered out to the shed.

it was locked with a combination lock which i cracked first time by putting in the date which barry had met his hero quentin tarantino for the first time. them both being lanky, barry thought he could follow in quentins footsteps. he had made a short movie about waste recycling rival critics reviews, but it had not received any critical attention but his own.

as i entered the shed there seemed to be even more plant food than i had expected, the place was filled with plastic bags. i opened one up and discovered the horror that would come to protect me.

instead of finding the labeled product each bag contained dozens of magazines. at first i thought fair enough, we all need a place to hide our dirty shuffle books but on closer inspection i noticed the content of the mags was out of the ordinary.

so here are a selection of the less offensive magazine titles i found:

PIGEONS ON DOGS BACKS
PIGS WNAKING DOGS
DOGS WNAKING PIDGEONS
BEVERLY CALLARD WNAKING
LARKS IN HEDGES
LARKS IN HEDGES WNAKING OFF PIGS
GOATS IN COATS
MALLARDS ON THE RAG
VOLES UP HOLES
TORTOISE JAMBOREE
TOMMY BOYDS ANIMAL TAKEDOWN
PIGS IN MAN SHOES
MAN SHOES IN PIGS
SHAVEN RAVEN
JUST 3 DAYS (young nat fetish)
PUSHED OVER GIRAFFES

i could go on but i would be banned and sued.
so my advice to anyone in a relationship with an angry critics daughter is: LOOK IN TEH SHED!

yesterday i was out shopping with norman wisdom, checking out some bed linnen. i love norman, he’s an on-screen legend, but when shopping you don’t want some crazy fool beside you tripping himself up and knocking things over.

most times i drug him to keep him calm, you should see the disappointment on the public’s face when they see him sleeping his way through john lewis, but it makes my day a hella better.

so it was then that i noticed that norman had a monkey on his back. you’d think you’d notice something like that, i’d known wisdom for many years, he even let me fumble his wife once, we are that close. but i never did notice the yawning ginger marmoset clinging on to his shoulder.

i asked him how long he had it and where he had got it from, but he was off his tits and only managed to slur “diiikenssss annn joooonessss”.

i then looked around me at my fellow shoppers and noticed that nearly all of them had a monkey on their back, and i suddenly felt like i was missing something. so now the search begins to find a monkey for my back, here are my monkey specs:

-must be ginger (to match my mane, i don’t know what wisdom was thinking not matching top and tails).

-must be small enough not to be a strain to carry around.

-must have a comedy monkey laugh which i can trigger by pulling it’s tail.

-must be big enough to be able to handle itself, i don’t want to have to be worrying about it when we get into rucks.

-can be gay, as long as it doesn’t try anything with me.

-must have at least 4 hats and keep alternating between them

-matching canes and capes to go with the hats would be a bonus

-less than £50

-foreign

-happy chappy

-can fix a 1975 ford anglia
i don’t think that’s too much to ask for, i’ve seen people demanding crazy things from their monkeys. for example one girl expected her monkey to clean her tutti-fruiti, that’s just not on.

Current Mood: tension
Current Music: johnny dab